By Rev. Lauren Harris, 2nd Episcopal District
James 1:27 says, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.” On October 19, I attended the funeral of my New Testament professor, the Rev. Dr. Cain Hope Felder. Several of my professors have died since my 2007 graduation from Howard University School of Divinity, including Dr. Gene Rice, Dean Emeritus Evans E. Crawford. Yet, this was the first funeral I was able to attend.
All present knew we lost a giant in the faith. Many expressed the tremendous impact Dr. Felder’s work made in their lives and ministries. It was also like a class reunion as I ran into many colleagues. However, despite the “family reunion” atmosphere, I honed in on Dr. Felder’s widow, Dr. Jewell Richardson Felder. I watched her sitting so graceful and strong and I quietly prayed for her because I know exactly what it’s like to sit in the widow’s seat.
I was 34 years old and pregnant with my second baby when my husband died suddenly during a seizure due to the traumatic brain injury he sustained as a teenager after being hit by a drunk driver. Despite surviving the initial crash and beating the odds, he ultimately succumbed to his injuries nine years later. As a result, I found myself in a place I never thought I’d be, especially after only three years of marriage—in the widow’s seat. I’m grateful for my pastor at the time, church, family, and friends who surrounded me with support and love. However, I want to share what it’s like sitting in the widow’s seat and how you can help if you ever minister to someone who lost a spouse.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 says, “A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.” First, recognize you don’t have the answers. This is hard for ministers because we want to comfort and give understanding to the hurting and we also don’t want to appear confused like the bereaved. However, we don’t have all the answers. We don’t always know why God allows situations in our lives. It’s OK to say you don’t know. It’s OK to remain silent, even when the bereaved is pressing you for answers. We can cause more confusion or damage to persons when we speculate why their spouse died. Someone told me I lost my husband because of sin. Even as a minister, this hurt my heart. It’s OK to be silent.
James 2:15-16 says, “If a brother or sister is naked and lacks daily food, and one of you says to them, ‘Go in peace; keep warm and eat your fill,’ and yet you do not supply their bodily needs, what is the good of that?” Second, meet their needs. I had a two-year-old and was pregnant when my husband died. It made a world of difference when people showed up to take care of my son, clean, and cook. It also helped when people gave money. My 28-year old husband didn’t have life insurance. Bills had to be paid. Their generosity kept me afloat for a year. Widows and widowers will need help. Gently offer to assist with physical needs. Drive them to appointments. Help them locate documents. Help them pay expenses. Cook meals. These acts make a world of difference.
Psalm 94:18-19 says, “When I thought, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up.When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.” Third, don’t disappear after the crowds die down. There are many difficult days ahead after the death of a spouse and the crowd greatly diminishes after the funeral. Don’t be overbearing but follow up with widows and widowers. People assume that someone is around to help the bereaved; but, that’s not always the case. Follow up with phone calls and visits. You’d be surprised how much of a difference your concern and presence make after the crowd dissipates.
The Rev. Lauren Harris (formerly Lauren Jones) is an itinerant elder in the 2nd Episcopal District and serves at New Life Laurel, a ministry of Reid Temple AME Church in Glenn Dale, Maryland. She was a widow for six years and is recently married. She is the proud mother of two children. Follow her journey at www.throwupandtheology.com.
