The Tale of Two Givers
By Rev. Dr. Alfonso Wyatt, 1st Episcopal District
It was the best of gifts. It was the worst of gifts. Hence, the tale of two givers. The ability to give is a human quality people admire, causing some to boast about what they don’t possess: a giving spirit.
There is a dark side to giving because not every gift may be a gift. How can that be? The question goes to the person’s motive fueling their giving. Some give light while others are proficient in giving darkness that is mistaken for light.
Let’s examine the heart, mind, and motive of two types of givers and glean truths. The two types of givers can be categorized as conditional givers (CGs) and unconditional givers (UGs).
CGs are a dime a dozen and everywhere you look. Gift offerings by CGs contain hidden hooks designed to snag someone who, out of need or greed, took the bait. For example, say a CG offers to chip in a few dollars to buy gas for a sister he has expressed interest in getting to know better. On the surface, one could say this sister has found a thoughtful catch. A closer look reveals the CG is building up to ask to borrow her car because he wants to take a new lady friend out and wants her to think the car is his. The hope is that the car owner will feel guilty in denying the use of the car after accepting his offer to pay for gas. That is what conditional giving looks like. It is giving little to gain a lot.
CGs have refined their dark art of giving to get. At times, this person can be charming by strategically doling out dollops of praise, attention, or sympathy (people still mistake feeling pity for a person as the same as feeling love) in a nefarious plan to earn trust.
Some dedicated UGs learn how to mimic CGs thereby furthering their deception. Abusive CGs are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs. You cannot change the heart, motive, or behavior of a person no matter how hard you try, how desperate you feel, or how deep you love.
UGs are as rare as diamonds left on the street. Gift offerings by UGs come with no strings or hooks attached. The only motive for UGs is to ameliorate a situation by confronting the receiver of their benevolence. UGs have the uncanny ability to show up during a person’s storms. They simply and modestly make deposits into people who are drained financially, mentally, or spiritually. When encountering UGs, these people pour into you and never ask or expect anything in return. People who encounter UGs usually say something like they are the answer to prayers.
If you are dealing with a CG and have accepted less while hoping for more, at some point you have to ask “Why?” Beloved, know that the truthful answer to this inner query has the power to change your mind-set about accepting or rejecting gifts. It may also help change how you see givers who claim to want the best for you while they take the best from you.
Don’t spend your days looking for UGs. They are sent and not found. Psalm 112:5 says, “It is well with those who deal generously and lend, who conduct their affairs with justice.”
Alfonso Wyatt is an ordained elder serving on the ministerial staff of The Greater Allen AME Cathedral of New York. He is a graduate of Howard University, Columbia Teachers College, The Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy, Columbia Business School Institute for Nonprofit Management, and New York Theological Seminary. He is the founder of Strategic Destiny: Designing Futures Through Faith and Facts, an organization seeking to find common language and opportunities for collaboration between socially-engaged practitioners motivated by faith and secular practitioners motivated by evidence-based learning.
