I Am Not Okay
By Matthew Seawright, RAYAC Editor
The last few months have been filled with emotion and uncertainty of the times ahead. Job losses, loss of loved ones, the new territory of technology, and ever-changing updates through media platforms.
The ongoing question is, “How are you doing?” The common or even predictable replies are “I’m well, good, blessed, and highly favored.” The response from Sister Jenkins, a member of Payne Chapel AME Church in Birmingham, gives me great joy and encouragement. She said, “Blessed by the best!”
However, if asked at this time, and at this moment, my response would be, “I am not okay.” I am not okay when our nation is at odds about the value of life and who is to value it. I am not okay because someone isn’t afforded the privilege to call this pandemic a “blessing in disguise.”
I am not okay when asking questions and seeking answers about the church and our past, present, and future relevance. I am not okay because my mind recalls the efforts and plans to solve many issues plaguing communities today, feeling unheard, or even too radical. I am not okay when leadership is expected to constantly pour out without guarantee or a sign of refill.
In the same breath, I am not okay with ministry and many community leaders having a seat when it’s time to stand. I am not okay knowing that children may not have maintained a balanced diet, have social interaction, or even an encouraging pat on the back because schools have been closed. I am not okay knowing many of these same children face injustices behind closed doors but wear smiles so they don’t “get anyone in trouble.”
I am not okay watching friends and family bury loved ones, having not been able to hug or visit with them. I am not okay with them not having the opportunity to “send them off” in a grandiose fashion and, as an effect, not properly grieve due to the responsibilities for which the times call. I am not okay because by the time you read this, the death count at the hands of authority may have risen substantially.
A friend shared in a virtual discussion as we were heading into what is now, the present tense, “We have been tasked to build the plane while it is in flight.” My belief is if we allow ourselves to truly assess where we are, what has happened, and where we are headed, when we know we’re struggling with being okay, it is vital to embrace the response, “I am not okay.”
A report published in 2019 by the National Council for Behavioral Health indicated Blacks/African Americans are 20% more likely to report psychological distress than white adults. As communities of color, we are also dealing with more stresses and triggers passed down through generations of systemic oppression. Nonetheless, we have an unmatched reputation to “just keep going” for the sake of continuing to “go.”
As it becomes more apparent that our reality will be far from “normal,” we will see many adjustments taking place in the months ahead. For many, it is time for us to embrace times when we are not okay and that is okay. Okay?
