A Psychological Point of View of the Promises We Can Keep
By Rev. Dr. Melinda Contreras-Byrd, Contributing Writer
After much research and reading, I have come upon a few hard truths. Most people devote little to no time to self-exploration unless they find themselves confined! We come to know deep truths by experiencing confinement be it to a hospital bed, life-sustaining machine, prison cell, or room on a psychiatric or detox ward. A recent confining catalyst is shelter-in-place rules that have kept us from work and spending time with others. I learned some of these hard truths that I later passed on to my psychotherapy clients.
Hard truths are learned by experiencing times of disappointment, anger, regret, betrayal, and a startling realization. Without time given to self-examination, you may find that you have turned into someone you do not recognize—someone distrustful, guarded, angry, and perhaps even reclusive. You have a chip on your shoulder or a tape playing in your head that constantly warns, chides, and reminds you of negative past experiences. Since we do not take the time to examine our humanness, we often fall prey to situations that if not checked will create personality traits that cause pain to ourselves and our families.
The hard truth is that people have issues and Christians are people. Many difficult people are not evil or born naturally distrustful, vindictive, or loners. They are not psychologically broken and in need of medication. They are us—burdened and struggling—and shaped by experiences.
Due to their unacknowledged need for security, praise, or connection, people in our lives may place unfair, overly burdensome expectations upon us that are impossible to meet. Some folks demand an excessive amount of personal attention and become angry and accusing when they do not receive it.
As Christians, we try to follow Jesus’ example of love and selflessness. However, the trouble with this seemingly praiseworthy attempt is that we are not Jesus and do not have the emotional and physical stamina of the Son of God. Many of us wish that we could—and berate ourselves when we realize we can not—always be there for everyone who needs or wants our support, attention, and demonstrated love. All Christians struggle with this issue.
The hard truth is that we cannot, in good faith, promise to always be there for others. There are some people whose needs are so great that no one person can meet them. What is needed is not for someone to burn out trying to do this but to set limits and help that person find a vehicle by which they can get their needs met without harm to someone else.
The hard truth is that we, too, are hampered by our human frailties and must learn them. As much as I want to follow Jesus in my behavior, depending on my spiritual maturity, I may find myself unable to do so sometimes. Christians are also quite apt to be less than patient, attentive, or kind when things in our own lives have gone haywire. We are apt to not be able to easily find forgiving love or a gentle spirit when interfacing with others who are persistently and publicly disrespectful, threatening, or physically violent.
There may be times when it is more advantageous to move into a protective, limit-setting, and even legal stance with someone who is out of control or behaving badly. Yet, this stance is often in stark contrast to our and others’ expectations of us as Christians.
The hard truth is that we cannot, in good conscience, promise others that we will always act in a way that is selfless and seemingly loving. Many a friendship or other relationship is ended because of unfair or impossible expectations. The hard truth is that we cannot promise that we will always act in gentle ways that do not cause just or unjust conflict. Nevertheless, James Brown says “Don’t start none—won’t be done.”
We need to learn triggers. They are the things that drastically change our mood or put us out of spiritual or emotional control. We need to take some time to think back to those traumas in our lives that have defined us in ways that we may not like or deny.
Lastly, we will interact with people who have fallen under the control of the powers of darkness, generational genetic traits, or the outcomes of human imperfection. Too often, our expectations of ourselves have not considered these hard facts.
Our churches are filled with broken people hoping to be fixed. Sadly, in an attempt to model Jesus, Christians make unspoken promises that we cannot keep; consequently, others believe that we will be able to fix them. Of course, we say it will be God but our words and actions say otherwise. The question is, “What are the promises you can keep in Jesus’ name?”
