Denial’s Costly Benefit

Rev. Dr. Alfonso Wyatt, Columnist

 I recall co-leading a retreat in The Rocky Mountains for young people caught in varying life spirals. One of the workshops that both mentors and mentees attended focused on financial literacy. The instructor used an example that resonated with all in attendance. She talked about paying down a $2000.00 credit card balance at 18% interest (unheard of in these times) by remitting a monthly minimum of $10.00. She went on to say it would take 37 years to pay off the debt. Whatever the $2000.00 purchased, the credit extended was a costly benefit.

I want to talk about another costly benefit that seemingly has nothing to do with a credit card–denial. Most of us, at some point in life, may have experienced denial. Just so we are clear, according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary, denial is “a defense mechanism in which confrontation with a personal problem or with reality is avoided by denying the existence of the problem or reality.” Denial helps us cope by not coping with catastrophic events like an unexpected death, a spouse’s infidelity, sudden illness, financial stress, betrayal, or the like.

It is easy to look at people in denial and see what appears to be a lack of fortitude, intelligence, or veracity. Yet, the same person casting dispersions on the individual in denial may deny that he or she was ever in denial. How can this be? I have a theory that once we escape denial’s grip, we find clever ways to deny that we were ever held. Think about the last time you talked with someone about the role denial played in your life. Let’s face it; talking about denial can resurface old hurts one would rather keep buried in the graveyard of the past. With that said, I hope you will not allow denial to hinder a deeper conversation on this subject.

I have to admit that right about now, I wish a different topic had dropped in my spirit, but I realize a key partner of denial, as stated in the definition, is avoidance (which I am good at, so I will press forward). As I think about times I have denied reality, a rush of pain, shame, and helplessness comes over me. I find myself right back at that crushing moment I wished never happened. Denial and suppressed reality are real—as real as the trauma that triggered the denial response in the first place.

Do you recall a time in your life that evoked a denial response? If you do, then it becomes clear why denial is a taboo subject. Denial may give a short-term benefit, but long-term exposure can exact a high cost. While one is in denial, there can be no denying that precious time is still moving. In fact, sometimes, the problem that triggers denial can become more intense over time if not recognized and addressed.

Going back to the credit card example, are you still paying a high cost for a past benefit afforded by denial; if so, it may be time to fight the fight you have avoided. Finding closure may very well be finding the strength to walk away. Beloved, know that you are not weak, strange, or different if you have succumbed to denial—all it means is that you are human. Is it time to stop personal installment payments for Denial’s Costly Benefit?

“If any wish to come after me, let them deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. Matthew 16:24 NRSV